indescribable feeling

yesterday was a wonderful day of rest for me. i woke up late, helped my friends out by watching their kids while they got some much needed work done, and had races with the boys. now those of you who have seen me run, i don't run very fast, but the boys thought i was the fastest runner they've ever seen. now, they're also 6 yrs old. it was really fun though running around. i've been fairly inactive the entire time that i've been here so actually using my muscles for what they are meant for was great.

i had to get up pretty early this morning because there were some things that had to get done before 10 this morning, which is when i've been normally waking up. :) so last night i went to bed at about 10:30 or so and to help me fall asleep i listened to iron & wine. one of the songs that i listened to was called "naked as we came" on the album "our endless numbered days". it's about two people, presumably married, and what will happen when one of them dies. and it got me thinking about what it would be like to lose someone you had spent most of your life with. to have them there and then to all of a sudden turn around and them not be there. i thought of my parents and what it will be like when one of them dies. i became so sad because i could see it in both cases of my parents. if my mom died first and if my dad died first. i couldn't bear it for either of my parents. but i know it's inevitable. i hope it doesn't come for at least another 20 years or so but i coudn't help thinking that it was happening now. then i thought about what it would be like to lose someone who had been with you all your life, like my mom or dad or brother or sister. i started crying all over again. hard. i just can't imagine what that will be like. but i think i got a taste of it last night. and in a way, i've lost my family for a year. and it's harder than i ever thought it would be. all i could think was, "how do you cope? how do you unlearn their voice or their habits?" and the answer came so clear, "you don't. but you pray a lot." up to that point i had been unable to get the idea of such great loss out of my head. i just felt this incredible heaviness on my spirit that i couldn't lift. then i cried out to God to comfort me. i became unexplainably calm. i felt like i was being craddled and held tightly by someone i could trust to take care of me. i knew that the time had not yet come for these kind of tears and that when it did come i could fall onto the ever ready shoulder of God and cry until you can't tell the difference between tears and snot. i've been here a week and last night was the first time i had time to miss my family and what i had left behind. it was really hard. and i'm crying even now as i write this entry because the feelings of last night were so poignant. but i still have a great faith in the comfort of my God. He's the only one who could bring so much peace through so much turmoil in my spirit. (no song has ever made me think so much or brought such a tremendous reaction to words sung. it has shown me a new side of how influential music can be.)

please don't forget me in your prayers. i'm going to need a lot of help to get through this time. and also hearing from you is incredibly encouraging. you think it's just a short e-mail or letter or even a post card, but it means the world to me that you took the time to write me. i promise to try and write back in a reasonable amount of time. i love you all so much. (especially you, mom and dad and cary-anne and luke. especially you.)