a blemish on a pretty face

yesterday i saw something ugly, the first really ugly thing i've seen since i've been here. i keep on saying how pretty things are here but here was something that didn't fit.

i was waiting for sylvia to pick me up from the train station so we could go see the fortress or the museum of natural history, depending on how rainy it was, and then we would make our way to church. i had just started reading "traveling mercies" by anne lamott when i saw a man coming up the stairs. he was obviously homeless. he was so dirty that his skin was darker than nature had intended by quite a few shades. he worked slowly up the stairs because the elements and inability to afford medical attention had aged him prematurely. he could only shuffle a few steps at a time and only then by supporting himself with a rail or door. as he reached the top of the stairs a woman passed him and quickly moved past him, staring at him disdainfully. a few other people passed him but they didn't even look at him. he was a moving object to walk around.

my first reaction was the same as the woman's who passed him, disdane and disgut. but as i watched him, God filled my heart with compassion. satan, however, spoke against the stirring by saying that it isn't safe for me, as a girl, to help him, a man. a conversation with a friend of mine came back to me. we had been talking about helping the poor and this one girl had said that she would always see people on her way somewhere and would want to stop but would instead keep on going. i had said that that was probably a good thing because being a lone girl could be very dangerous and that it is really best to have a guy there just in case something happened. and to this my friend asked me if i didn't think God, our all-powerful father, was big enough to protect His children. i said, yes of course, but that doesn't mean we should take unnecessary risks. i said there was a difference between acting foolishly and trusting in the power of God to protect His children. i still believe the last statement but i also think that i wasn't really believing that God would be able to protect me in such an event. i was afraid. anyway, i kept on hoping that someone would help him, that someone would act on the compassion that i wasn't. i kept on fighting the voice by saying that helping a man like him was unwise, and that Jesus had told us to be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves. i managed to fight for so long that by the time i might have given in the man was already outside. i was so afraid of the bad things that might happen that i didn't even think of the blessing it might be to the man if someone actually saw him as a human being and would extend a helping hand.

then i got a call from sylvia asking me to wait for her outside so that when she arrived i could just hop in the car and we could go. i started to gather my things: my bag, my book, my scarf, my bottle of water, and sylvia's jacket, which i had borrowed. i thought it was going to be much colder than it actually was so i was carrying all my warm things. that's when i made a deal with God. i said, if the man is still out there i'll help him by giving him my scarf. between the time that the man went outside and sylvia called me, God brought to my mind the part in James that says, if you see a brother in need of food and clothing and you say to him "be warm and full" but do nothing to help him, your words are empty (very paraphrased). also, know that the scarf i had was a scarf i had gotten from my dad. it was one of my favourites and also his. so, when i made that deal with God, i didn't *really* think that the man would be there. so i walked outside to wait for sylvia. i looked around to see if the man was still there. yep, there he was. no more than 50 meters away from me. then, as you might have guessed, i stalled again. i thought, i'll wait for sylvia to call me so that i can give him the scarf and make a run for it, just in case. i also started thinking that it was my dad's scarf and he would probably be mad if he knew i gave it to some homeless guy. then i thought about how many scarfs i have and that my dad would be glad to know that his scarf had gone to someone whose need for it was greater than my fashion need for it. i finally decided to quit stalling and just give him the scarf. as i walked up to him i saw that he was smoking a stub of a cigarette. i almost turned around. i didn't. i took a bit of loud talking to get his attention once i was in front of him, i don't think he's used to people talking to him. i shoved the scarf towards him and said, for you (in german of course). and this too (my bottle of water). he looked at me with a very surprised look and said, thank you. and i just walked away. it was a few minutes before sylvia called me so i was able to look around at the man a couple of times. he held everything close to him. i started to think about how easily i get dehydrated and "drat" that i had given him my water. then i saw him drinking the water and i became so happy. i was so glad to have been able to help.

now, this entry is not to say, look what i did. i helped a poor, homeless man out by giving him water and i gave him my dad's scarf out of self-sacrifice. this entry is to tell how God shows me how to look beyond myself, to try and reach other peoples needs, wether they be very obvious or hidden. it's also to tell of the grace and patience God has with His children. He gave me an opportunity and i blew it. then He gave me the opportunity again and i stalled 'til it was almost too late. but i finally listened to the quiet, constant urging of His voice. yay God.

ps-can someone from hsl tell brady thanks for challening me about why i believed what i thought. he's the one i had to conversation with.