times up

well, i leave austria tomorrow. this is my last entry, from austria at least. even as i'm writing this, it doesn't seem real that i'm no longer going to be a part of the everyday life of the letteners. now i have to make my own daily routine. i have grown so comfortable here. it feels so much like home for me. i feel like such a part of the family. but at the same time i know that it's not where i belong. i'll write more about the whole experience later. it would take too long now.

my, how time flies when you're having fun!!!

well, i missed updating at easter time. i hope you all had a WONDERFUL time celebrating the resurection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and thinking on all the things He has done in your life and the ways He is continuing to lead you.

i know that i can barely contain myself because of the joy of the Lord. i was sitting in class today and could not at all concentrate on what my professor was saying because i just wanted to sing praises to the Lord. that and he was explaining something he's explained a couple of times already but people are still not understanding it so he has to keep on explaining it.

i've gotten in the habit of humming some worship songs when i'm walking somewhere or on the bus, when i'm not reading my bible. i've noticed some people trying to figure out where the sound is coming from. it's kind of funny but sad at the same time. we have become so isolated in our ipod world that we hardly see the people around us. we have this selfish need to always be entertaining ourselves that it takes our attention off the people around us who could use some human contact.

moving on, some time last week i had a pretty big realization: the lettner kids aren't really getting any sort of spiritual input at home! they kept on asking me questions about God and the devil and i would try and explain it but then another question would arise and at some point it hit me: they should know the answers to some of these questions already! why don't they? so the next night i read to them from the bible an answer to one of their questions. the next night i read the answer to another question they had. and now we read a little something from the bible every night. it's not always in answer to their question. it can also be stuff that they should just know.

but what hit me really hard was that thomas and birgit need to be the ones doing this work, not me. i had the opportunity to tell them last friday night, but i was disobedient and distracted myself by reading a book on running or something dumb like that. and i could just feel the pressure and the urgency of what i needed to tell them weighing on me. that next sunday i was able to tell some friends of mine the issue at hand and we prayed together for that and a couple of other things and i just knew that i could not put it off. birgit was getting back from work the night shift monday night, late. so, teusday was the only day that we would all be together for a long enough amount of time to really discuss what i had to tell them. normally i would have a time of prayer with some other students but i knew that i might not have another opportunity and if i waited too long i would just forget.

in preparing for the time of discussion and also trying to find a passage to read to the kids that night before bed, i stumbled on heb. 12:4-11 and i knew that we needed to read it before i started talking. For those who do not have a bible close at hand:


Hebrews 12:4-11 (English Standard Version)

4In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
6For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives."

7It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.


and then i started talking and telling them what i had come to realize and how i am happy to do it while i'm still here but that it's really not my role to fill. and i addressed again the issue of discipline. or i just expounded a little on how to do it practically. the living word of God had already addressed that topic for me. we discussed a little and then prayed together and it has been wonderful to see the changes that are taking place! birgit is finally sticking more to her word. she and thomas are being much more active about making sure their children hear and understand what God's word says.

but THIS is cool. through the provision of God i had 3, exactly 3, new testaments in german. the kids had been asking me if i would give them my full german bible, which i think i will at the end of my time, because they wanted to read the bible for themselves. so, i was able to give them each their own new testament. they were all SOOO excited to get them. we were all able to open our bibles to the same passage. and they were able to read along with me as i read to them outloud. the only problem is that they are ALL different versions so the kids are getting a little tripped up by the fact that the wording is not always the same. but they are all so excited and proud of their new testaments. jakob and david even took them to kindergarden and school with them. and i came in one moring to get the kids up and raphael was already awake and reading his new testament.

i think that's my main reason for hardly being able to contain myself recently. that and i think God is really opening my eyes to see the people around me and their needs. and my heart BREAKS with compassion for them. i see how much bondage they are living in. one muslim woman i was got to talking with told me about paradise in islam and how only the women who have been very good and religious and all the rich men (because they have money) will get into paradise. for those who don't know, in the muslim paradise, the men who have served alah faithfully (or can bribe their way in with money, apparently) will receive something like 100 virgins every day for his enjoyment. and the women become somehow virgins again overnight. so this muslim told me that she is going to be as mean and bad as she can so as to be sure that she will NOT make it into paradise. i almost started crying when she told me that!

well, it looks pretty certain that i will be coming home on the 18th of july. i will be very glad to be home but it is going to be VERY hard to leave the people i've gotten to know here. especially the people in my german class. i've gotten to know some of them pretty well and many of them are staying here indefinitely so it'll be hard for them (and for me) when i go. i am in so much awe at the things that God has taught me and the ways He has seen fit to use me. and thank all of you who have been praying for me this year. please continue to pray for me as i start to get myself ready to go home and try and find my place again in my community and schooling. i also want to publicly praise God for giving me parents who have invested time everyday in prayer for their children. mom and dad: your prayers are coming to fulfillment. thank you! i love you both so much!

riiight...about that updating more often thing...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! oh wait, it’s not november. then, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wait, my family was here. that means that christmas is also already past. HAPPY NEW YEAR (maybe?)!!! mmm…that doesn’t sound right either. let’s see…OH!!!! i know!!! HAPPY KINGS DAY!!!! wait, we don’t celebrate that one in the states. and besides that, i think we’re already through january. holy crap! are we already in february? aaaannnddd i think my last entry was when? ooooh. ouch. in october. well now, that’s embarrassing.

uummm…(what should i say?) well, a lot has happened since i last wrote. as i mentioned before, my family was here over christmas. that was really cool. to be honest, it was more than cool. it was great to see them. it was a little short but i got to show them a lot of austria in a really short amount of time.

i don’t want to make this the never ending entry blog, because it easily could be, so I’m just going to tell you guys some highlights.

• i made a 1 (the equivalent of an “A”) in my german class.
• i had some pretty intense experiences with God
• i saw the dancing horses in vienna with my family
• i’m starting to learn some hungarian
• i’m helping others learn english (this crazy language!)
• the kids had their birthdays. (jakob is now 6 and david and raphael are 8)
• it snowed once (but it’s all gone again)

i think a lot of you guys got that e-mail that i sent out in january about my purse and the guy stefan either directly from me or you got it forwarded from my parents (because i don’t have everyone’s e-mail). i want to thank you all for your payers and support. i don’t have anything new concerning stefan because i haven’t seen him long enough to get to discuss things further. but during the month of feb. we have semester break so we’ll maybe have time to get together and delve deeper into the issues he brought up. and there’s still nothing new on my purse.

oh yeah, i also wanted to sort of give a good-ish excuse to why i haven’t written since october. so, i have continued to receive a signal for wireless from our neighbors buuut i’m not getting internet somehow. at first i was a little mad but i can’t really complain. i wasn’t paying for the internet so i shouldn’t be too upset when i no longer have access to it.

and that’s it. i’m going to end it there so that you won’t be too overwhelmed by it all.

ps- just in case i don’t get around to getting an entry up before the next holiday, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

grab the chips and popcorn, it's a long one

wow, so a lot has happened since i last updated. a quick overview would go something like this:
-i had my birthday
-the german placement test that i had to take placed me in a higher level of german that i thought i was at. however, the class meeting times didn't work out for me to take the higher level so i'm now getting a very solid understanding of some very basic things that will make my german infinitely better.
-i realized that i feel 20 and i actually am 20 (i finally feel my age!)
-i've been bitten, kicked, hit (pretty hard), pinched, had blood drawn (from very shallow wounds that will leave nice scars), and had my hair pulled by the oldest kid (raphael).
-we made a family contract with more strict consequences
-i was in the main salzburg newspaper
-i finally met someone my own age who lives near me and goes to my church (a wonderful pentecostal church with a not so wonderful service length of 2 hours! but it's all good since they have coffee and really good cake afterwards.)
-i started school
-i went to school with raphael for an english hour with his class and the teacher asked me if i can come back in november and december (if i am willing and have time)
-guys in my class started hitting on me
-guys at the "college age" group that meets on fridays started hitting on me
-i bought an AMAZINGLY awesome watch on e-bay austria (it's very feminine but incredibly cool at the same time!)
-raphael chipped his tooth on the bathtub during one of his totally out of control, 2-year-old fits
-i met an uzbekistani guy in my class (whose name is bekmurdo but goes by "beki" for short)
-i found out there is still a place where you can buy horse meat here in salzburg
-raphael and i are having more moments of getting along
-i started an aerobics class that is a lot of fun. but it takes two days for your body to understand what happened and finally become sore.
-i was basically (not officially) asked out by a turkish guy in my class.

whew! that was pretty much a chronological list of events since my last entry. i'm not going to explicate and expound on everything on this list because some of it is pretty self-explanatory. i will go into more detail about the issues with raphael, school starting, and the guy stuff (because i think it's pretty funny).

so, i was alone with the kids (i don't really remember why) and things had really gone pretty well all night. i had fed them and then it was just time to put them to bed. and everything was fine. until i went to go check on them a little after the lights were supposed to be out and they were supposed to be asleep. i go upstairs and find raphael in top bunk with david. (side note, all the kids sleep in the same room with raphael and jakob in normal beds on the floor and david in lofted bed with a ladder up to it.) i tell raphael to come down and sleep in his own bed. and he tells me "mommy told me i could sleep here." i'm like, " there is no way she told you that and not me." and he just kept on refusing and refusing to come down. so i finally had to climb up into the bed and try to bring him down. he starts kicking and screaming (literally) and tearing at my skin with his fingernails. i was eventually able to grab his hands and feet and had to apply a good amount of pressure to prevent him from pushing me off the top bunk and to keep him from inflicting any more pain to my person. (another side note, the bed isn't in a sort of box to support it. it has a series of flexible but sturdy strips of wood, or something, bound together). the other kids, david and jakob, were involved at this point yelling at me that they think they bed is going to break and that i should leave raphael alone. i let up a little on my pressure and manage to drag raphael down by his feet. as the top half of him comes down he pretty much lunges at me and grabs my hair. thankfully he didn't get a good hold and he isn't strong enough to pull very much out. but i must say, it did not feel good. by this point we're out of the kids bedroom and we head into the bathroom, where raphael is crying hard enough he could have thrown up. i apologize to the other kids saying, "i'm sorry you had to see that" and tell them i love them and i hope they sleep well. then it's just me and raphael in the bathroom. he crying about as hard as a kid whose beloved dog has just been run over. i'm just looking at him. he yells at me, "i'm NOT saying i'm sorry!" i just nod my head and he screams, "NO! I'M NOT!" i simply continue nodding my head, not saying a word. (side note, i didn't yell or raise my voice during the whole incident. raphael was the one doing all the screaming.) i finally got him to go back to bed. the whole interaction was only about 20 minutes but it was probably the most stressful 20 minutes of my time here so far.

it is a direct result of that incident that we made a family contract where we all signed that we would follow the family rules and it was also a way of letting the kids know that there will be stricter consequences for not following the rules. it also states that i have the same amount of authority as thomas and birgit and that the kids have to obey me.

the second fairly big situation that came up was when raphael, in a fit of wildness, decided he wanted to see what the bathtub tasted like. or maybe he wanted to know which one was harder, his teeth or the bathtub. or perhaps he just wasn't aware of what he was doing. anyway, this one happened a few weeks after the one above and it was about getting ready for bed. he just didn't want to is what it boils down to. he kept saying he wanted to wait for mom to come home and get ready for bed with her but i kept telling him she would be home too late and that he had to go to bed now. this time he was only rolling around on the floor and kicking, but not kicking me. he knew better. he knew i would win. :) at any rate, i had to get david ready for bed also so i left raphael in the bathroom to get ready for bed on his own, and as a 7 year old he is quite capable of that, for 45 minutes. i figured, i'll let him be until it's time for lights out and then i MUST do something. i had tried helping him get into his PJs earlier but it was pretty impossible. so i go into the bathroom at 7:30, time for lights out, and he's still on the floor, crying and fully clothed (i.e. not in his PJs). (side note, he's wearing a jersey that might have been expensive or something. i don't really know). i start to "help" him out of his jersey and he starts screaming that i owe him 1000 euro for touching his jersey and, in an act of trying to prevent me from making further progress in the "putting on PJs" campaign, he lunges at the bathtub, mouth first. i hear a pretty terrible noise that i knew meant things were not okay. i was pretty sure there was going to be blood gushing out of his mouth and he would have a nice gap in his smile. but i looked and there wasn't any blood anywhere and it looked like all his teeth were still in his head. but he was crying out of pain now and holding his mouth. this is going to sound really terrible, but since he was now dealing with the pain in his mouth he didn't care anymore that i was putting his PJs on (i.e. making my job 154% easier). i put him to bed and he was still crying and holding his mouth. just before i left he brought his hand away from his tooth and showed some white stuff in the palm of his hand. shortly after birgit and thomas got home and i told them what happened. birgit went upstairs to see how bad things really were. a little later she calls me up and tells me that raphael wants to apologize for being so wild. and he DID! she took him to the dentist the next day but he can't do anything until the tooth is fully grown in.

the best thing about the family situation here is that thomas and birgit back me up on all these hard situations that have come up. there are some changes that need to take place on their end but they are really sweet and supportive. things really are getting better though. they aren't as hard any more but i wanted to let you guys know some of the stuff that i've had to go through since being here.

this is turning into the epic of all epics, showing me that i really need to update more often with little updates and not huge mega-entries.

i think i'll put the guy stuff with school stuff because they go pretty much together and i'm sure there will be much more on this subject to update on later.

school started and my teacher is AWESOME! he's explaining things in wonderful detail which makes the language make so much more sense. and for me a lot of this is information is telling me why is say things the way i do. i found out there are 8 different ways to make a plural in german but he gave us a few pointers on how to tell which plural form it might be. that has been most helpful so now i'm not just making up random plural forms of words. now i'm still making up plural forms but it's not as random anymore. it's a little bit more educated. he also does a great job of explaining subtle difference in the meanings of words like "billig" and "guenstig" (which mean "cheap" and "inexpensive" in english). on the surface they mean the same thing but you have to know the cultural context to know that "billig" means something is being sold at a low price because it's low quality.

the only problem with my class is that it has 75 people in it. there are people there from all kinds of countries. i've met people from iran, turkey, uzbekistan, and england but i know that there are some spaniards, indians, and americans in the class too. i've heard that usually the class ends up separating, voluntarily, into language groups. the people i've made friends with, though, are mostly of the non-english speaking sort. namely turks, an iranian lady, and an uzbekistani guy. and, interestingly, most of them are guys. they just keep coming up and introducing themselves to me. i'm definitely not going out of my way to meet the guys in my class. so, on friday one of these overly eager guys suggested that, you know, sometime it might be cool, if i had some free time, to, maybe, go to a disco or a movie or just go for a walk together. and i, being way too nice and surprised, say it's possible but i have plans for the next couple of weekends. his name is murat, i think, and he's turkish. i'm not interested at all but i'm too nice to flat out say no. i need get better at that. i think i might get myself into trouble otherwise.

there's a lot more i could tell you guys about but this already rivals the britannica encyclopedia for length so i'll save that for the next (hopefully soon in coming) entry.

20 year old child

it's my birthday tomorrow. i turn 20. and i'm celebrating it with, at best, good acquaintances. although that's not too different from normal. it's just that i can't go home this year and be with people who care that i'm getting older. it's always been a lonely day because friends are always so new that it's a hasty "oh, happy birthday, i didn't know." and celebrations feel a little forced. the only people who actually celebrate my birthday for what it's for, a celebration of the day i was born, is my family. my mom always makes my favorite food and makes the dining room look really special with lots of candles because she knows that i've always liked them and she serves my food on the special blue plate. it's the special blue plate because we only have one and when we were kids we having the one and only plate like that made us feel really special. it still does. we all sit around the table and i open my cards and presents. i feel like the grinch who just discovered the true meaning of christmas. birthdays aren't about presents (although they are nice) or the attention that comes with it. it's much more than that. it's when people tell you "happy birthday" and mean "your life is important to me and i'm so glad you're alive."

i did have an early celebration with hubert and sylvia on saturday. they are the closest thing i have to family here. and it was wonderful. it felt close to being home. sylvia had gotten me a special austrian cake. it's the cake in the picture. all the little random things around the "20" are gummy bears. they represent all the people who can't be here, which is everyone. the candles are a special touch from my mom. she knew that i would like the fact that they're squiggley and bold colors. (those candles are what made me realize how much i'm missing being home). the kids, josua and tabea, had some presents for me that they would have wanted to receive. tabea gave me a duck (stuffed animal) because she loves pretending that they're real and she wanted me to be able to do that too. josua gave me a tow truck and a little vw bug that fits perfectly on the back so that when i come over again we can play with our cars together. i got a wonderful coffee mug from sylvia with a cow on it. i think it's for kids because of the wonderfully bright colors and the 3D cow sitting on the inside lip. she has one of a mokey that i just love. she wants to make sure i remember austria has cows and not longhorns, like in texas. :) and i got a steel string guitar from hubert and sylvia. i had told sylvia that i brought a book of folk songs with me because birgit said she had a guitar i could use. i've kind of wanted to pick up playing guitar again but just haven't had the money to buy one. so i now have my own steel string guitar to play on. it's really wonderful. i remember a lot of parts of songs, which is frustrating. oh well. sylvia asked what i'd like to have for my birthday meal and i told her something very austrian that i haven't had yet. i don't remember exactly what it was called but it was the most amazing chunk of pork i've had in while. it had so much garlic and was so juicy and it was falling apart all over the place. it was really a wonderful day. it was so close to being like home that it made me really homesick. it's been really hard to stop crying since sunday when i left them. but as hard as it is and as much as i miss everyone, i don't want to come home. i know that this is really where i'm supposed to be and that, while i'll never stop missing you guys, it won't always be so overwhelming.

so, at 20 i'm learning to see people for who they are and respect them. i've looked at people for a long time and only seen things to be critical about. like different church denominations. i've only been able to see the ways they hinder christianity while i think i've found the perfect solution to everyone's problems (wether they know they have a problem or not). i'm also learning that i can't always wait to find a group of people to do good deeds with. that time when i gave the homeless man my scarf and water bottle shouldn't be such an occasional/random thing. i need to be intentionally taking care of people and that it also not be so distanced.

i'm also learning to be okay with myself in whatever state i'm in. like right now, i'm not in the same emotional state that i would normally be in. i'm a lot more mellow and not talkative. i don't really want to interact with people. i want to be alone. i thought about apologizing to birgit for being so different than usual and saying that this isn't me. but it is. it is me. these are my emotions and they just as much a part of me as my happiness and enthusiasm for life. these just don't have as much occasion to make a public appearance. i also am learning that i do need to go through this and to not try and contain it. it's way too tiring to hold it in. it's exhausting crying so much and missing friends but i think i'll be able to engage a lot better if i'm not always trying to surpress my need to cry.

20 is going to be an interesting year for me.

it's official

so, it's official. i'm an au pair. i'm also a student at the university of salzburg. i'm also madly in love with this country for its mountains and good food.

i started officially as an au pair this last saturday. and on my first day the family and i went on a hike with thomas's parents. it was so wonderful being outside and so high up. after our hike we had coffee at this little hotel/restaurant on the side of the mountain we were on. and all you could see over the beautiful green meadow were more mountains. there was not one cloud in the sky. not a single one. i don't think i've ever seen the sky so clear. and we just sat and got to know each other better.

then on sunday, we went hiking again. but this time we went all the way to the top of this 1568 m mountain, which is a small mountain for the area. i will never say "no" to climbing a mountain again! the view was so breath takingly beautiful. you could see for kilometers in all directions, even down. we drove up most of the way and my ears definitely popped a couple of times on the way up. and they also popped when we were on our way up. it took us longer than i thought it would to get to the top. the top kept on moving farther and farther away. but we finally got to the top and we able to write in a journal that's up there and there was also a stamp to prove that the venture actually happened and wasn't just some dream that i had. thimountainan is also a popular place for skiing. the landscape looked exactly like a life size version of all those model train sets you see with the mountains and the felt grass, the little patches of rock sticking out randomly. the grass is short because there are cows and sheep on the mountain that graze there and therefore act as natural lawn mowers.

being an au pair to me is really just like being a grown up kid in another family who happens to have authority over the young children. you take care of the things that need to be taken care of, as in washing the dishes and clothes and cleaning up the table. all these little things that need to be done and you're just along to help out. for the most part, these are things i do at home. now i just have to worry about kids also. i have to help keep them orderly at meal times by reminding them to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and "i'm sorry". i have to make sure they brush their teeth and get dressed and undressed and wash their face. i pick the younger one up frokindergartenen and some times take him. i help make sure the older ones do their homework and that they get out the door early enough for school. i go shopping with birgit when we need a lot of food or i pick up food on the way back from picking up jakob frokindergartenen when we only need a little something for lunch. i just act have to act like a responsible adult who is still learning the rules of the household.

as it says at the top of the page, i'm also now an official student at the university of salzburg, with my own id card and e-mail address and everything. i think it's pretty cool. what is even cooler is i got interviewed by a reporter from the main newspaper in salzburg as a first time enroller in the university who just happens to be an au pair from america. he took pictures also so i'm thinking (hoping) that he'll actually use my interview. well find out on october 7th for sure. i'll let you guys know what happens with that. it was so funny though because i walk out of the admissions office with sylvia and this guy comes up and asks if he can interview me as a new student. at first i was a little worried that i wouldn't be able to understand everything that he was asking but i was able to understand pretty much everything he was asking AND i was able to respond (for the most part). i was surprised that i was able to respond so readily. i couldn't stop laughing though. i mean seriously, how hilarious is it that i'm iSalisburyrg for a month anI'm'm going to be in the newspaper, probably with a pictureI i don't thinI'veve ever really been in the newspaper in the USMaybebe my name was mentioned for having good grades in high school or in the UT watch after having a fountain jumping experience or maybe as a kid but not as a mini feature in a story about anything that anyone mighactuallyly read.

so, that's mainly what's been going on recently. oh, anI i also got derek webb's cd "mockingbird" for free from this website: www.freederekwebb.com. he's giving his own music away (in case you were questioning the legality of my acquisition). check it outI'veve really been enjoying it. he has amazing lyrics that are challenging and quitcontroversialal (for the christian community especially). buI i think what he has to say we could all stand to hear, whether we agree with him or not.

i don't understand

this is going to be a very quick entry and it's not chronological at all. but i have to write about this because it's been really bugging me.

so one of the things i miss the most about the US is going to church and getting to worship, freely and uninterupted, for a half hour or so. the worship is not what i would consider worship at all. it's a song that feels really stiff, then someone talks, then an even stiffer song in english, then another person says something. it's like the songs are just put in because they're supposed to be there. it doesn't feel like it coming from within.

so last night i went to a reach out that the youth held and they had a time of "worship" at the beginning. all the songs were in english. all of them. there was one that they had one verse in german but then they immediately sang it again in english. i just don't understand why they sing in english so much.

i asked hubert and sylvia and they said that the younger generation here thinks that english is just better. if there's a song in german they'll translate it and sing it in english because they think it sounds better. but they problem is that, while a lot of people here know some english, they don't really understand everything. and then it hit me. that may be why "worship" feels so stiff and rigid. because they aren't worshiping in their own language they have to concentrate really hard to just get the words out, which they don't really even understand, and then they have no room left to really praise God in the way He deserves to be praised. that's what i'm perceiving at least. it's really hard for me to see that since what i want to do is to help people worship God freely and without any sort of hinderance. i'll write more later after i get to talk to some of the youth about it.