20 year old child

it's my birthday tomorrow. i turn 20. and i'm celebrating it with, at best, good acquaintances. although that's not too different from normal. it's just that i can't go home this year and be with people who care that i'm getting older. it's always been a lonely day because friends are always so new that it's a hasty "oh, happy birthday, i didn't know." and celebrations feel a little forced. the only people who actually celebrate my birthday for what it's for, a celebration of the day i was born, is my family. my mom always makes my favorite food and makes the dining room look really special with lots of candles because she knows that i've always liked them and she serves my food on the special blue plate. it's the special blue plate because we only have one and when we were kids we having the one and only plate like that made us feel really special. it still does. we all sit around the table and i open my cards and presents. i feel like the grinch who just discovered the true meaning of christmas. birthdays aren't about presents (although they are nice) or the attention that comes with it. it's much more than that. it's when people tell you "happy birthday" and mean "your life is important to me and i'm so glad you're alive."

i did have an early celebration with hubert and sylvia on saturday. they are the closest thing i have to family here. and it was wonderful. it felt close to being home. sylvia had gotten me a special austrian cake. it's the cake in the picture. all the little random things around the "20" are gummy bears. they represent all the people who can't be here, which is everyone. the candles are a special touch from my mom. she knew that i would like the fact that they're squiggley and bold colors. (those candles are what made me realize how much i'm missing being home). the kids, josua and tabea, had some presents for me that they would have wanted to receive. tabea gave me a duck (stuffed animal) because she loves pretending that they're real and she wanted me to be able to do that too. josua gave me a tow truck and a little vw bug that fits perfectly on the back so that when i come over again we can play with our cars together. i got a wonderful coffee mug from sylvia with a cow on it. i think it's for kids because of the wonderfully bright colors and the 3D cow sitting on the inside lip. she has one of a mokey that i just love. she wants to make sure i remember austria has cows and not longhorns, like in texas. :) and i got a steel string guitar from hubert and sylvia. i had told sylvia that i brought a book of folk songs with me because birgit said she had a guitar i could use. i've kind of wanted to pick up playing guitar again but just haven't had the money to buy one. so i now have my own steel string guitar to play on. it's really wonderful. i remember a lot of parts of songs, which is frustrating. oh well. sylvia asked what i'd like to have for my birthday meal and i told her something very austrian that i haven't had yet. i don't remember exactly what it was called but it was the most amazing chunk of pork i've had in while. it had so much garlic and was so juicy and it was falling apart all over the place. it was really a wonderful day. it was so close to being like home that it made me really homesick. it's been really hard to stop crying since sunday when i left them. but as hard as it is and as much as i miss everyone, i don't want to come home. i know that this is really where i'm supposed to be and that, while i'll never stop missing you guys, it won't always be so overwhelming.

so, at 20 i'm learning to see people for who they are and respect them. i've looked at people for a long time and only seen things to be critical about. like different church denominations. i've only been able to see the ways they hinder christianity while i think i've found the perfect solution to everyone's problems (wether they know they have a problem or not). i'm also learning that i can't always wait to find a group of people to do good deeds with. that time when i gave the homeless man my scarf and water bottle shouldn't be such an occasional/random thing. i need to be intentionally taking care of people and that it also not be so distanced.

i'm also learning to be okay with myself in whatever state i'm in. like right now, i'm not in the same emotional state that i would normally be in. i'm a lot more mellow and not talkative. i don't really want to interact with people. i want to be alone. i thought about apologizing to birgit for being so different than usual and saying that this isn't me. but it is. it is me. these are my emotions and they just as much a part of me as my happiness and enthusiasm for life. these just don't have as much occasion to make a public appearance. i also am learning that i do need to go through this and to not try and contain it. it's way too tiring to hold it in. it's exhausting crying so much and missing friends but i think i'll be able to engage a lot better if i'm not always trying to surpress my need to cry.

20 is going to be an interesting year for me.